Four Years Later
by BlueMoonOnTheRise
Summary: Severus last saw Lily four years ago. Meeting her again, he knows he still loves her, and this time, she's falling for him too. But she's married now, and she can't be with Severus without hurting James and Harry...
1. Chapter 1

**A Lily and Snape fic…maybe Deathly Hallows spoilers, I'm not sure. Wouldn't read it if you haven't read the book, anyways.**

**Lily and Sev are one of my absolute favourite pairs in HP (my other favourite being Lupin and Tonks) and I've been drawing them a lot, so I thought I could write them too. **

**Set in 1981…so they're both 21! Enjoy…**

Snape sat in the study, drumming the fingers of one hand absent-mindedly on Dumbledore's desk, his heart thumping in his chest. He had been at it for the last hour – getting up, fidgeting, sitting down…

Since Pettigrew had betrayed the Potters to Voldemort, it was clear that no one could be trusted to be Secret Keeper for them, except perhaps him. Sirius, he knew James would prefer, but most of the wizarding world believed him to be the betrayer, despite the fact that he was the one who had alerted them to Peter's betrayal in time for them to escape. Because of this, Sirius was now on the list of Death eaters, and they couldn't afford for the Potter's Secret Keeper to be killed or tortured, something that Sirius had agreed, although resentfully. Therefore Lily was meeting himself and Dumbledore today to discuss their last possible option. Severus's heart thumped harder at the thought of seeing her after all this time. He flicked a black strand out of his face, he subconsciously smoothed his robes, and he was surprised to find that his hands were shaking.

Dumbledore arrived first, in sweeping robes of midnight blue, his hair and beard gleaming in the late afternoon sun pouring in through the high windows. He did not seem surprised to find Snape in a state of nervous anticipation, and merely smiled benignly, taking the chair beside him, and glancing briefly at the large gold watch he had extracted from his pocket. The seconds dragged by, Snape jumping at the smallest noises, until finally, Lily arrived.

As she swept through the door, Snape's heart leapt. If possible, she was even more beautiful than he had remembered her. She was wearing tight black jeans and an old green jumper, both half-obscured by a long black cloak fastened at her throat. His eyes moved to her face, the face that had haunted his dreams for so long…

Her eyes were the same almond shaped, bright green that he loved, and dark auburn hair cascaded down her back. Snape found that he was unable to take his eyes off her, and that he was visited by a powerful urge to reach out and touch her, to hold her and never ever let go. But she was out of bounds, so he gripped the sides of his chair, as if trying to crush the wood in the palm of his hand. For the moment she was greeting Dumbledore, and had not noticed the sallow, skinny, dark haired man who had once been her best friend. Finally, after what seemed like an age, those beautiful green eyes turned to him.

Severus felt as though his heart was going to leap out of his chest, she was looking at him, looking at him after four years apart, but suddenly it felt to him as though the world had fallen into place. This was where he was meant to be.

"Severus." She said, nodding curtly at him, her voice cold, which shot through his chest like physical pain. He certainly felt like she'd just shoved a knife through his heart. She looked back at Dumbledore, the cold expression on her face turning to anger. "What's he doing here? Wasn't he the one who made hiding necessary? He sold us to Voldemort!"

"Severus no longer works for Lord Voldemort," Dumbledore explained gently "He has turned spy at great personal risk, and it is for that reason I believe that he is the only person that we can rely on to be your Secret Keeper."

Lily looked aghast. She backed away from both of them.

"No! He hates James, he hates all of us, wants us dead! We _can't _trust him, Dumbledore, he's a Death Eater!"

"I don't hate you." The words were out of his mouth before he could stop himself. "I have never hated you."

Lily, who was by now, nearly backed against the door, walked up to Dumbledore's desk, and looked at him, her face a little surprised, but not as much as she might have expected. It was like they were travelling back in time, two teenagers arguing over friends and curses and James Potter. Snape had got up and moved round the desk so he was standing in front of her. Everything in the room seemed to melt away – the spindly little tables, the whirring silver instruments, Fawkes' bright plumage, and Dumbledore, his magnificent silver beard fading into the shadows.

"I'm a Mudblood, Sev." Lily said angrily, her chin sticking out, reminding him forcibly of her stubbornness when they were at Hogwarts "The people Voldemort hates. You worked for Voldemort, how can you not hate me?"

Severus took a deep breath, trying to work out how to best word his response. Lily's eyes were fixed on his face, making it incredibly difficult to concentrate.

"I have not used that word since I called you that. You have no idea how much I regretted it. Don't you tell me I want you dead, Lily Evans."

Lily was looking more and more touched, but she still had that unmovable sense of right and wrong, and she wasn't quite ready to forgive him.

"You've still killed and tortured Muggleborns haven't you?" she asked "On Voldemort's orders."

He didn't respond, and both of them realised how very far they had both strayed from the children who had once sat by the swings, talking about Hogwarts and Dementors, Lily comforting Severus about his family, him assuring her that being Muggleborn made no difference at all. Gone were the days that Lily could insult James Potter and the world felt right again, because they were married, and he could no longer lie to her about cursing people, because he had been a Death Eater, he had killed, tortured, torn people apart. It was harder for them to forgive each other.

"I'm sorry, Sev." Lily said, after a moment of silence, her eyes slightly brighter than normal "If you hadn't gotten into Dark Magic, I…well things would have been different."

They stood looking at each other for a few more moments, baffled by what had passed between them. Lily could see some kind of powerful emotion in his eyes, and looking into her green one's Severus could have sworn he saw a flicker of something he had seen only a few times before, something that he hadn't seen since before that dreadful day in the fifth year. Mind you, after that she had only looked at him to glare.

Dumbledore suddenly burst from nowhere, a smile on his face, making the pair of them jump and spring backwards from each other.

"So, that's settled then!" he said cheerfully.

**By this time Lily is Lily Potter, but Snape calls her Evans as that's who she is to him. Just so you know…that wasn't a slip of the mind.**

**Drop us a review and let me know what you think…please? x**


	2. Chapter 2

**This is quite a short chapter, but hopefully, it'll be good anyway…**

**Goes from one extreme to the other: fluff (I just couldn't resist) to angst and hurt (no, couldn't resist that either xD) So, enjoy, I hope…**

"I'll be back in a moment." Lily assured James, patting his arm soothingly, and leaning over to kiss the baby in his arms, little Harry, who already had a tuft of black hair sticking up in all directions, as James's did. She got up from her seat in the Transfiguration classroom (the Order meetings were being held alternately in Hogwarts and their own house) and made her way across the room towards Severus.

He had caught her eye as the meeting was coming to a close, and she knew him well enough that he wanted to talk to her on her own. As she approached he smiled a little, his long black hair flopping across his face. If he gave it a wash it might have been quite attractive. Well, and if she wasn't happily married, of course. Severus led her away from the chatter and laughter coming from the room, down several dark corridors, until there was no light left, it felt cold and gloomy. Lily could make out his face, but he was only inches away.

"Lily, I'm sorry I sold you to Voldemort." He looked at her somewhat pleadingly "I'd take it back if I could."

"Sev, you're also the reason we're safe." She told him gently. "Without you, we'd probably all be dead."

He smiled a bit at that, and they stood in awkward silence for a little while longer. It was nice, Lily reflected, to just be here with him, her best friend again. Although neither of them had mentioned it, the friendship had been renewed, stronger than before, something that made Severus extremely happy, and Lily almost as much so. She hadn't really thought about how much she had missed him. It was because of this perhaps, that she reached up to kiss him. She wasn't intending to snog him or anything. Just a kiss on the cheek, a: "Thanks, Sev" for protecting them, and back to James and Harry, off home to Godric's Hollow. Somehow, though, it didn't turn out quite how she meant.

Her lips met his mouth instead of his cheek, and some instinct that she never knew she had with regards to Sev took over. Her hands wound themselves into his hair, pushing his face towards hers, as her mouth locked greedily with his. Recovered from the initial shock, Severus responded with enthusiasm, his arms winding round her, pushing her against the wall. It was love and passion, and above all, _need _as Lily realised that she had wanted this for as long as Severus. It felt so perfect to be this close to him…

A loud bang brought the pair of them to their senses, and they jumped and drew apart. For both of them, the first reaction was happiness, until, the truth of what she had just done sunk into Lily, and that happiness became tainted with horror. She was married: she had James, and now she had her beautiful Harry to care for, but Severus had to come back into her life, and he had turned everything upside-down. She knew it wasn't him who had initiated the kiss, but she was suddenly irrationally angry with him.

"No!" she cried, her voice high pitched and strangled as she ran from him, tears pouring down her cheeks, leaving Severus deflated, his own eyes stinging, and wondering where they went wrong.

------------------------------------------------------------

The sky was storm-grey, heavy with clouds, obscuring the stars and the moon, and making the houses and church in the little village indiscernible dark shapes, barely visible through the gloom. Along a side street behind the patch of dense darkness that was the church, there was a bright square, inside of which was the silhouette of a woman, head bowed.

Lily Potter sat in the lounge of their home, sobbing, and desperately trying to think of what to do. It was past midnight, and James was asleep, as was Harry, at least for now. She had been unable to look James in the eye all evening, and had only just managed to refrain from bursting into tears as he kissed her goodnight. Lily wasn't usually a teary person, and even now, sobbing hard into her hands, she wasn't sobbing for herself. Whatever decision she made now, she was going to hurt someone she loved. If she stayed with Sev, she knew she would break James's heart, and Harry would suffer too. But if she stayed with James and Harry, Severus would be equally as broken, she knew that, now…

Lily stared around the room, as if she hoped to draw inspiration from it. It was fairly small, but cosy, with the fire still burning in the grate. Opposite this stood the sofa, red, which Lily was currently sitting on. Other than that, there was a small mahogany cabinet, and a large cardboard box, containing a substantial amount of ornaments that had been hastily removed from the mantelpiece when Sirius had sent Harry his toy broom. A few shards of pink glass glittered on the hearth, the last remnants of the vase from Petunia. James must have missed them when he had collected all the pieces.

A decision was forming in Lily's mind, and she knew that it was the right one. It would be painful, but the pain would lessen over time, she hoped. Lily seized the shards or glass on the floor, heading towards the kitchen bin. As a drop of blood rolled down her palm, her decision solidified…

**Next chapter up soon I hope! I'd be very happy to get some more lovely reviews, like last time…**

**Hint hint…**

**:D**


	3. Chapter 3

**Another chapter! Well, obviously…**

James woke, and stretched, his eyes flicking sideways to the woman next to him. Lily was asleep, her red hair splayed across her pillow, and a little frown on her face. He smiled, then slid off the bed to avoid waking her. Her unhappiness had not gone unnoticed by him yesterday, and his only guess was that it had something to do with Snape. After she had followed him and come back, she had been miserable all evening, permanently on the verge of tears. Whatever Snape had done to her, he was going to have to pay for it.

James made his way through the house, his bare feet whispering against the carpet, opening the curtains with his wand as he went, so that sunlight poured into the rooms like liquid gold. Finished, he made his way back their bedroom, because Harry was grizzling a bit in his cot, and he didn't want him to wake Lily. Whatever happened, she had a tough day yesterday.

It was a surprise to him, therefore, to meet Lily in the doorway, rocking Harry in her arms, and clearly making her way to the bathroom to change him. He smiled at her as they passed, and she grinned back and kissed his cheek. At least she seemed to be more cheerful. Hastily grabbing some jeans and a t-shirt, and shoving them on as fast as possible, James grabbed some more clothes, this time for Harry, and followed Lily into the bathroom. He was clearly changed by now, and Lily was murmuring softly to him, smiling, as Harry tried to grab her long hair. Succeeding in seizing one long red lock, Harry gurgled happily, winding it round his small fist, and trying to stuff it into his mouth.

It was quiet today – the weather outside was chilly, and most inhabitants were staying safely inside their heated houses. Lily and James, of course, had little choice in the matter, meaning that the necessity of staying inside was an irritation more than a comfort. This was one reason that Order meetings outside their home were so welcome, as it meant they could leave the place for a little while, at least.

Lily had by no means forgotten what had happened last night between her and Sev after the meeting, but she was trying not to let it trouble her too much. Yes, there had certainly been something there as she had kissed him, and yes, she realised now that as a teenager, she had possibly liked him slightly more than best friends should like each other, but that was then, not now. Without the gloom outside pressing in on her, without Severus beside her, and without the memory of the kiss fresh in her mind, the fact that she should have entertained the idea of leaving James and Harry horrified her. They weren't just the most important people in her life, they _were _her life. The thought of leaving all that for him! And after all, he'd had years and years…years when Lily would've told anyone who asked that James Potter was an arrogant toe-rag, and she'd sooner date the giant squid. Lily smiled at that particular memory, then wrenched her mind back to the present.

------------------------------------------------------------------

In the potions room at Hogwarts, Severus was being rather less positive than Lily was, and also rather less inclined try to forget that kiss. He had not tried to kid himself that Dumbledore would be particularly interested in this, and in the unlikely event that he was, Severus knew that he would tell him to let Lily stay with her family, to avoid her. Although he knew that this was the right thing to do, for the moment at least, Severus Snape was far more inclined to be selfish. He had lost Lily once, and had no desire to do so again. The fact that this would hurt James only made the prospect more inviting, although he worried that it would hurt Lily, too. She was a mother, she had her child to care for, and much as it hurt to admit this to himself, she loved James too. He ground his teeth together, jumping and swearing as someone knocked on the classroom door. Muttering obscenities under his breath, he crossed the room and wrenched open the door. Whoever it was, they had better have a _very_ good reason for interrupting his thoughts…

-------------------------------------------------------------------

In Godric's Hollow the afternoon wore on, the sun moving across the sky, sending a reddish glow straight through the Potter's windows, dying the cream carpet of the lounge a deep scarlet. The house was quiet again: Harry had stopped laughing, falling asleep in Lily's arms. James was staring out the window, as if the intensity of his gaze would cause him to appear outside, to breathe the fresh air again.

"It seems so unfair," he said "that to keep our son safe, we have to trap him inside. I suppose we'll be here until You-Know-Who falls." As he spoke, Lily had got up, and joined him, looking longingly into the sunset with him.

"He will." Lily assured her husband "He'll fall, and in a few years we'll joke about it, telling Harry we thought we'd be stuck inside forever."

James smiled a little.

"Yeah. Just wish I could be out there, fighting."

Lily knew how he felt. The days had become a sort of meaningless rhythm, with nothing to break it, nothing to mark one day from another, except for the stabs of pain that meant another friend had died. It seemed like an endless ocean of nothingness, and she too was gripped with the urge to get out there, to fight Voldemort, to make a difference, to live, for once, even if living meant death. Yet she was stuck here, and the frustration made her want to scream at the unfairness of it all. The expression on James' face told her that they were on the same wavelength.

It was at dinnertime that James finally breached the subject that he had been thinking about all day: what Snape had done to make Lily so upset the previous day. It wasn't cheerful, but it was a change, and a different subject to Voldemort, and the frustration that followed them like a shadow.

"Lily?"

"Mmm?"

"How did Snape make you so upset yesterday?"

Lily nearly choked on the mouthful of soup she was trying to swallow.

"Sev?" Her mind flailed around desperately, trying to think of how to word this best. She couldn't really tell him that he kissed her, when it had very definitely been the other way round. "He just…you know…was apologising for putting us in danger, and, uh…"

"Why would that make you upset?" James asked, completely non-plussed.

"It was just really nice." Lily lied, feeling rather guilty "Just being female, and sentimental, you know."

**Like? Not like? Think I wrote this with my eyes shut? Only one way to tell me…**


	4. Chapter 4

**Sorry this has taken so long, the website wouldn't let me upload it! ¬_¬**

**There's a bit in School Reunion (Doctor Who) where Rose is all like "When I was a kid, I used to think all the teachers slept in school" and The Doctor goes in the Head's office and he's like "Rose…you know you thought the teachers slept in school? Well…they do. 13 big bat people!" And it reminded me so much of Snape…him being described as bat-like so often. Hehe! Ok, next chapter…**

It was about a week later, the day before the next Order meeting was scheduled, that Lily decided to leave the house, and travel to Hogwarts. James was a little sulky about her going on her own, but someone needed to look after Harry, and it was very risky to move him to get to Order meetings, let alone taking him out of the house unnecessarily between these times. Lily was pleased she had this excuse to go alone, as it would take a huge amount of explaining to bring James along, and she really wouldn't blame him if he was angry, and jinxed her, Snape, or possibly both. Grinning a little, Lily therefore snatched the long, grey travelling cloak from the hook by the door, stepped outside, and turned onto the spot, disappearing into thin air. James watched her go, holding Harry on his hip.

"One day," he whispered "You'll be able to that too, Harry. Just vanish. And you can learn to play Quidditch too. You're gonna be amazing, you love your broom Padfoot sent you."

A chill breeze whipped through his hair, and with one last longing look at the outside world, he shut the door with a gentle snap, and carried his son back inside.

A similar breeze blew Lily's hair back as she looked up at the castle. It was still breathtaking after all this time: the turrets and towers dark against the pink glow of the dawn. Nobody was awake yet, and despite the fact that the ground was covered with a slight dusting of snow, there were no screaming teenagers, no one running, no enchanted snowballs chasing the Slytherins. She grinned at that last one, remembering James bewitching snowballs to chase around a group of Slytherins for the entire day. By the time any teachers realised what was happening, the boys in question were soaked, shivering, and wincing as the snow hit them repeatedly. It had been incredibly funny to watch the would-be-Death-Eaters cowering from lumps of ice. Sev had been part of that group, and now she felt terribly guilty how that would have hurt him, to see her enjoying his pain. The child-like glee at seeing the snow suddenly evaporated, leaving her with a knot in the pit of her stomach. She was here to hurt him again.

Lily made her way through the silent castle. Most of the portraits were snoozing in their frames, although some woke as she passed, and their grumbles followed her to the entrance of Dumbledore's office. One man, with a unusually pale face, but a brilliantly contrasting red nose, chased her through two floors yelling angrily at her, waving his fists, and waking just about every portrait he passed. She had lost him on the fourth floor, as a horde of irritated werewolves took it upon themselves to try to rid the corridor of him. Snickering a little, and wondering if they had forced him back to his own picture yet, Lily turned the corner, and came to face the stone gargoyle that stood in front of the winding spiral staircase.

"Sugar Quills?" she tried tentatively, causing the stone to spring into life, and leap out of her way.

Dumbledore seemed unsurprised to see Lily Potter standing in the doorway of his study: his fingertips were pressed together, his crystal blue eyes calm, he looked all the world as if he were expecting her.

"I expect you come to me for the same reason as Severus is avoiding me?" Dumbledore asked her gently, standing up and walking slowly round his desk towards her.

"Uh…I wondered where he was."

"Am I right that something more than polite conversation occurred between the two of you after the last Order meeting?"

"Yeh," said Lily chewing her lower lip and looking horribly guilty "I kind of…well I…I kissed him." She mumbled, blushing "I didn't mean to, it just kind of…"

Dumbledore did not look remotely upset or angry at this news, just continued smiling at her in the same benign manner. It was sort of irritating. She _wanted _him to yell at her, and tell her she was a terrible person, an unfaithful wife and mother, and that she would hurt everyone.

"This leaves you with a problem then," Dumbledore remarked "But by the expression on your face, I assume you have reached a solution." He paused, surveying her for one long moment, those piercing blue eyes looking straight through her. "Severus is down in the dungeons, in the potions room. That _is_ what he teaches now, you know."

………………………………………………………….

It was extremely cold in the dungeons at this time in the morning. The torches had clearly only recently been lit, and the dungeon was empty and cold, the fire's warmth not having perpetrated the room yet. It was different to how Lily remembered it. It seemed larger – although when she had been here, it had been filled with multicoloured smoke, and it was Slughorn who would be in the room behind the desk, not Sev, because he was sitting next to her, smirking when her knife slipped and got stuck in the table. Then of course, she'd stolen his, and he'd wrenched hers out the table, they'd grinned at each other, and continued the furious competition that occurred each lesson: who could make the most successful potion. It was often very close, although Sev would always insist his was just the tiniest bit better, and she'd would retaliate by doing something stupid: she had once turned one of his eyebrows green, and refused to lift the charm until the following morning... Lily smiled as she knocked on the office door, wondering where they went wrong from the teasing, laughing best friends they used to be.

Severus answered the door, and Lily was surprised to see him in pyjamas. Although she knew he couldn't stay in robes permanently, it was a shock to see him standing there: long black hair, tangled from sleeping, same prominent nose, same dark eyes, but wearing a very unfamiliar pair of striped green pyjamas. She was struck with an urge to laugh and cry at the same time. He looked so small and helpless, it reminded her of him as a boy, with his smock-like shirt and too-short jeans. The words she had come to say stuck in her throat.

"Hey Sev. I came to see you."

He didn't say anything, just opened the door a little further to allow her entrance. It was very similar in his office to the dungeon. The walls were damp and made of the same dark, jagged stone. Most of this wall space was covered in shelves, upon which were thousands and thousands of jars and bottles, containing different bright liquids. She gazed around in wonder. Other than that, there was a small desk, and a rickety, and slightly mouldy chair. A door was set some of the free wall space, which she guessed was where he slept.

"I think you won with the potion making, Sev," Lily commented, waving an arm at the huge array of concoctions.

"Thanks." It was the first word he had said.

"Listen Sev, the reason I came here was to tell you something." She paused; his face had fell slightly, and she could never stand to see him upset. She was going to be bawling if he took this badly. "It can't happen again. I'm sorry, but I love James and Harry, and I…I'm not sure what came over me, I'm so sorry, but Sev, it didn't mean that I want to…" Lily stopped, his expression was truly heartbreaking, and she was unable to stop those inevitable tears pouring down her cheeks. "Sev, I don't...I'm not in love with you."

Lily couldn't look at his face, she ran from the room, feeling like the most horrible person in the universe. Sev didn't deserve this. She leant against the damp wall, not caring that she was covering herself in grime, or that he had come out of his office, and was looking at her as tears streamed down her cheeks, her face red and blotchy. Did it matter?

Severus was looking at her, and despite the fact that she had just broken him into little pieces, there was sympathy in his eyes, not hatred or even dislike. He wasn't even crying.

Then, the last thing Lily would have expected to happen, did. Severus took her in his arms and just held her, letting her cry all over his shoulder and cling to him as if her life depended on it. The guilt at causing him pain did not rescind, and this was how Dumbledore found them about twenty minutes later, having not seen Lily leave, and been worried. Both men were now trying to comfort her, and Lily felt that it should be Severus that should be being comforted, and her the person being jinxed so viciously she had to crawl home.

**The end of another chapter…not really a cheerful one, but hopefully a good one? And don't worry, this is definitely not the end: I'm still going! Or maybe do worry. Is this a good or bad thing?**

**Please review, I love getting them, and if you don't, the poor little review button will feel lonely :(**


	5. Chapter 5

**Thanks to everyone who reviewed the last chapter…it was really nice to get so many (it's amazing what happens when you tell people the review button's lonely!) Another chapter…can't really say when this is going to end, although it won't be for a while. Enjoy (I hope!)…**

The little house behind the church in the village of Godric's Hollow was bursting with people. Witches and wizards were perched in every available space – Sirius, Remus, James and Lily were all crammed onto the sofa, while the others sat on the back of it, or crossed legged on the floor. Frank and Alice were sitting on the windowsill for lack of space, swinging their legs, and talking seriously with Mad-Eye. At the very front of the room was Dumbledore, perched precariously on the box of ornaments, and addressing the gathered wizards. Thirteen more innocent Muggles had been brutally murdered only this week, by none other than Peter Pettigrew. Sirius bared his teeth at this news: it was him after all who had been blamed, after going after him for his betrayal of Lily and James. Fabian Prewett stuck his head round the back of the sofa at this news, his face grim. The assembled wizards were silent for a moment, in honour of the lives that had been lost, then Dumbledore continued.

Frank and Alice were already keeping a close eye on Bellatrix and Rodolphus Lestrange, and if possible, the Order agreed that an attempt to capture them should be made: Bellatrix in particular was a notorious Muggle and Muggleborn torturer, and if she were behind bars, then these communities would both be safer. It would be dangerous, of course, but neither were too worried about that. It was what would happen to Neville, should they be killed, that concerned them.

The meeting was drawing to a close, and Lily was feeling that same frustration she always felt at these meetings. They could give their opinion, they could give advice, help with plans, encourage people, but Lily was longing to get out there and do something useful, to really fight this war, rather than just plan for others to fight.

The doorbell rang, loud and shrill over the discussion, and glad of a reason to leave, Lily extricated herself from the sofa to answer it. Probably another Order member, who'd forgotten the time of the meeting. It was a surprise, therefore, to come face to face with none other than Severus, his black hair dripping wet from the pouring rain. She had expected him not to attend today, after how terrible she had been the day before. Lily averted her eyes, and stared at her feet as she let him in.

"Hey Sev." she said quietly.

He smiled, unknown to Lily, who was still not looking at him, her eyes fixed resolutely on the floor. She felt his hand under her chin, tilting her head upwards, and unwillingly, her bright green eyes met his black ones.

"I'm not angry with you, Lily." He told her, his voice gentle.

"How can you not be?" she replied, "I've hurt you so many times: I'd be furious if it was the other way round."

"You're my best friend, Lily Evans."

She didn't bother to correct him on her surname, because she knew him. To him, she would always be Lily Evans. What had she ever done to deserve him?

"Anyway, we'd better get into the meeting," he finished, and swept past her, leaving Lily feeling as though she should have apologised better. Frowning to herself, she shook her head, then marched after him, back into the meeting.

…………………………………………………………

The last person left through the front door, and Lily felt rather deflated. It happened after every meeting, the worry that it was the last time she would ever see them. She sloped back into the lounge, barely seeing. It was cosy and warm, but it didn't seem to matter. How was it fair that she and James got to sit safely at home, their child protected, whilst other risked both their own, and their families lives? She blinked, to find that James had his wand out, Severus was still there, and that they were both wearing expressions that suggested that they would like to throttle each other.

"No!" Lily yelled, pulling her own wand out, and pointing it first at James, then Severus "I swear, if either of you so much as lays a wand on the other I am going to stran-…PROTEGO!"

The two men were forced apart by the strength of her spell. Severus slammed into the fireplace, and James was forced against the sofa. Both glared at her.

"Lily, let me jinx him!" James said, trying to get up and move towards Severus. He managed a few steps, but was unable to go any further. She looked from one to the other, unsure of what to do. If she lifted the spell, they would be at each other's throats.

"I'm going to let you go." She told both of them "But if you try to hurt each other, I'm going to stun the pair of you." Lily waited for a moment, tucked her hair behind her ears, then lowered her wand. James looked as though he thought being stunned was a fair price to pay for hurting Snape, but he didn't. It was getting dark now, sending shadows across their faces in the flickering firelight. The two men were still glaring at each other, and Lily felt her temper rising. She was stuck in here, day after day, people she loved were dying around her, and now James and Sev were acting like idiots.

"Can't you just pretend to like each other!?" she asked irritably, "You two are acting like a pair of five year olds! You're grown men, and you can't forget a stupid, _pointless _dislike you had at school! You're on the same side, for heavens sake!" This was being unfair to Sev yet again, for she knew why he had hated, and still hated, James. But it would be so worth it, if they just stopped glaring at each other.

"I want to know how he's hurt you Lily." James told her stubbornly.

"He hasn't done anything to me!" Lily protested, feeling like tearing her hair out "I hurt him, and that is why I've been upset, because I feel so terrible about it! So PLEASE stop trying to curse him, or hit him, or do anything…horrible…to him!"

James was wearing an expression appropriate to being slapped in the face, Lily was breathing heavily, and Severus was looking at Lily with a very poorly concealed mixture of glee and longing. Wearing _that_ expression, it was surprising that James wasn't wrestling him to the ground at that very moment, but he wasn't looking at Snape. His eyes were on Lily.

"I'm sorry," he mumbled, looking ashamed of himself "I wasn't trying to hurt you; I was trying to protect you."

Lily nodded, smiling a little, and now it was Severus looking as though he had just been thumped, and James a little happier. There was silence for a little while, and once again, it was Lily who had to break it.

"C'mon, Sev" she said gently, gesturing for him to follow her. He did so, and she led him through the kitchen and into the hallway, neither speaking a word. Only when he reached the door did he turn to face her. His dark eyes fixed on hers for a moment, then he leant down and kissed her lightly on the cheek. A small smile, and he was out the door, and vanishing into the darkness. Lily turned back to James, wondering why the tiniest bit of her wanted to follow him out the door.

**End of chapter 5! Any more reviews would be lovely, if you would like to give me some ;)**


	6. Chapter 6

**Sorry this has been so long: haven't been able to get at the computer very much ^__^**

**Not the cheerful-est of chapters, I'm afraid. But there's quite a bit from our lovely Sev's perspective…if that helps…? (: **

A few days later, at the next Order meeting, the news of more losses reached them. The Prewett brothers had been brutally murdered, and Frank and Alice had been tortured into insanity. Severus bowed his head as the rest of the Order were doing, and tried to surreptitiously sneak a look at Lily. She was blinking tears out of her eyes. It _was_ sad: the Prewetts had left their sister, and the Longbottom's their son. He tried to concentrate on the tragedy, but so many had died that it was not an unusual occurrence, and his eyes instead roamed as they always had done onto Lily's face, and the little lights in her hair as it moved. She was so beautiful it made his head hurt.

It was incredibly painful to sit here, only a few steps away from her, so close he could have reached out to touch her, yet she was still infuriatingly out of his reach. They were closer, yes, but this was if possible, more frustrating. He got a taste of something he couldn't have. Not that he had ever really expected to be able to have her. Grinding his teeth together, he swept a curtain of hair out of his eyes, and tried to concentrate on the meeting. However, after he gave his report on Voldemort, he found that his attention kept drifting back to Lily.

It was funny, he thought, that he couldn't remember a time when he hadn't been transfixed by Lily. The time before her had comprised of rows, and crying, and misery, a time that he had tried to forget. He had met Lily, and suddenly there was a constant in his world, a reason to keep going, to endure, because at the end of it all, he could see her smile. Somehow, it made everything worth it. He breathed in, remembering the hours he had spent watching her and her sister, afraid to approach her: because after all, why would someone as bright and vibrant as her want to bother with him? He was nothing special.

Then there had been that first train journey. Tired, she had leant her head against his shoulder, and slept for hours. Even as a small boy, his heart had leapt at the closeness. He had been able to just look at her for hours, the sinking sun sending shadows across her face. A strand of her hair had fallen across her face, he remembered, smiling slightly. He had battled with himself for ages, wondering if he had the nerve. Finally, his small hand had reached out and tucked the strand gently behind her ear…

The meeting was over with a sudden rumble of chatter, the scrape of chairs, and sighs as people pushed themselves up from the carpet. One by one the rest of the Order left. Dawdling in the doorway, Severus could still see Lily, Harry in her arms, talking to James. He leaned a little closer, trying to decipher what they were saying.

"We _have _to go see Frank and Alice!" Lily was insisting "I know Dumbledore won't like it, but I need to see them."

James, nodded gravely, and Harry leaned towards his father, one little hand closing around his thumb. A smile lit up the man's face, and he ruffled his son's tuft of black hair fondly. Snape was still dithering in the doorway, as ever captivated by Lily.

"What you still doing here, Snape?" James asked, his head suddenly jerking upwards, and trying very hard to keep the dislike in his voice to a minimum. The latter didn't answer, his pale cheeks flushing, ducking out of the door, so his dark hair obscured his face. Then, suddenly, he turned as if he had made a decision.

"I was wondering if I could come," he mumbled, his eyes still fixed on the floor. James had narrowed his eyes, looking at Snape very suspiciously. "To St. Mungo's," he explained hastily, flushing a deeper pink. He didn't dare add any more. Telling them that he needed to see the Longbottoms too would be a downright lie: the only person he needed to see was Lily.

"I can't see why not," he heard a voice say, and Severus' head snapped up so fast he cricked his neck. Lily was looking up at James again. Her husband was still looking rather suspicious as he turned to the dark man in their hallway, his eyes eager, his hair hanging into his eyes. He turned back to Lily, so different from Snape, with her bright hair and eyes, but her expression was set, and he knew she would not be reasoned with. Slowly, he nodded.

"Now?"

Nobody could see any reason why the trip should be delayed, so Lily hurried upstairs to get Harry ready. James leant against the hall wall, looking haughty and bored, his hair splayed everywhere: a dark mass against the pale wallpaper, and reminding Snape forcibly of their school days together. He glared at him, but it didn't seem to bother James.

There was a flurry of activity, as Lily dashed back down the stairs, and handed her son to James. He grinned, swung a cloak over his shoulders, and went to stand outside, taking huge breaths of air, grinning like a maniac his hazel eyes drinking in the surroundings, revelling in this tiny bit of freedom. Lily had disappeared again, and Snape averted his eyes from her husband, his eyes fixed expectantly on the foot of the stair. Late afternoon sunlight poured through the door, giving the hallway a slight orange glow.

………

Nobody was quite sure how it happened. Her bright green eyes smiled into his, her hair was swept into her face by the biting wind outside. A movement was all it took. As her face turned towards the outside world, the expression of happiness turned to fear, her green eyes wide and frightened. A stab of fear went straight through Severus as his eyes flicked upwards, to a tall, hooded figure, directly behind James. Deathly white fingers poked from beneath the billowing black robe.

"No! James!"

Lily screamed and started to sprint out the door, but felt arms tighten around her, preventing her from moving. A flash of green light, and James crumpled. Sobs were mingled with the screams now, desperate heart wrenching screams to save the little boy sitting on the pavement, looking up into the face of Lord Voldemort. Little Harry Potter begun to cry, and Lily struggled harder still, screaming for Harry, and for James, her arms reaching desperately to save the child crying on the pavement. Another jet of green light burst from Voldemort's wand tip, colliding with the baby on the road. He gave one desperate wail of pain, then Harry Potter fell silent.

**Cliffhanger!! **

**Let me know what you think, and I will post the next chapter ASAP.**


	7. Chapter 7

**Another chapter! After that cliffy in the last one, I'll just let you read, shall I?**

Harry Potter did not crumple to the ground as his father had done. He stayed sitting, swaying slightly, quiet in shock, his bright green eyes fixed on the hooded figure now sprawled on the ground, a fresh lightening shape cut bleeding slightly on his forehead. He gave a small gurgle, and looked at his mother, frozen in the doorway, Snape's arms still wrapped around her waist in an attempt to stop her from being killed. Harry smiled vaguely at her, then his eyes looked to the man beside him. James' messy black hair was splayed across the road, his hazel eyes wide and unseeing. A look of shock was still on his face, his wand half drawn from his pocket. Harry reached out a small hand, and tugged at his hair.

"Daddy?"

Finally, Lily managed to break free of Snape's grasp. She shoved him down the hallway, so that he fell crashing to the floor, running to her son and husband. She scooped Harry up, then bent over James. She was no longer screaming, but silent sobs were racking her body. His glasses were askew; his limbs sprawled in odd directions, and his once warm hazel eyes were cold, unblinking. Harry had started crying again now, clutching his mother tightly. Crying still harder, Lily bent to kiss her husband's forehead.

"I'm so sorry, James," she whispered. Gently, her fingers closed his eyes. Now, he could almost be sleeping. She held Harry close to her chest. He was all she had left.

A hand touched her shoulder, and she whirled around, drawing her wand from her pocket as she did so. Severus was crouching beside her, his hand outstretched, his face a picture of concern. A stab of rage shot through Lily, and she stood up, keeping her wand pointing directly at his chest. He drew himself up too, now looking slightly bewildered. The anger stabbed at her, and she stepped towards him, her green eyes blazing.

"Get…away…" she managed, through gritted teeth.

"Lily, I –"

"Don't even pretend you're sorry he's dead" Lily snarled "You hate James, so don't pretend you're sorry. You don't care that he's gone, and Harry's got a huge slash across his head, do you?" She was crying again now, but she was still furious, and her voice was now slightly hysterical "And you…YOU STOPPED ME SAVING HIM!!"

She tried to go on, but the grief was choking her up again, and her eyes fell on James again. There was a huge empty hole inside her, a chasm where James should have been. Her heart felt as though it had been ripped from her chest, cut into pieces, being stabbed over and over and over…

She sobbed, but there was no comfort, no James to hold her in his arms, to tell her that everything was going to be alright, because it wasn't. He was gone, and nothing would be alright, ever again. Never. Snape was still standing there, and Lily was gripped by an insane urge to hurt him as much as possible, to kill him, even. How dare he stand there, still looking at her, when if it weren't for him, James would still be alive.

"Get away, _Snape_" Lily told him, hanging onto her baby as if he were a lifeline. Her eyes met his, and there was hatred in them. Severus felt physical pain shoot through him as he saw her expression, and slowly walked away, disappearing around the corner, a dark figure against the gold of the sunset.

………………………………………………………………………….

The funeral came and went, and Lily still felt that same suffocating sense of grief she had done at the moment of his death. No many how many comforting words, hugs, and offers to help came her way, it didn't change the consuming sadness that filled her up every day. It was made worse by the fact, every time someone praised him, or cried over him, she could imagine James sauntering around, grinning at all the attention he was getting. The only people who were even the slightest comfort were Sirius and Remus, who were just as cut up about James' passing as she was. The difference was that she had had the chance to save him, and they hadn't.

The only reason that Lily Potter could keep going was for the sake of her son, Harry. He still needed caring for, feeding, and loving. He had lost his father, and Lily was determined that he was not going to lose his mother, too. She kept him with her at all times, and despite the fact that Voldemort was gone, she was constantly nervous, terrified that someone would come and take him from her too.

Dumbledore had explained why the curse had failed to kill Harry: James had tried to shield him, he had died in an attempt to save him. Lily was comforted by this when she was feeling particularly miserable. James' last act had protected Harry from Voldemort, should he ever return.

The person other than James that Lily could not forget, was Severus. She had not spoken with him since James' death, and the only acknowledgment she made of his existence was to glare furiously at him. He was more depressed and reclusive these days, and although Lily knew it was because of her attitude towards him, she found she couldn't change it. How could she be nice to him, when he had stopped her saving James? Sometimes she would try to convince herself to forgive him, but it always ended with the fact that, if it weren't for him, James might be alive.

A knock on the door brought Lily back to reality, and she sighed. It was hard to be interested in anything these days. Probably just another member of the Order, come to offer their condolences. She pushed herself up from the sofa, picked Harry up automatically, and brushed her hair out of her face. She knew she looked a mess, but did it really matter anymore?

As the door opened, Severus drew breath in sharply. He hadn't seen Lily for a few weeks now, as Order meetings were becoming far less frequent now Voldemort was gone. Her appearance had changed hugely. Her red hair hung, lank and unkempt, around her face, which was much paler than usual. She was thinner too, her clothes seemed more baggy than usual. Even her vibrant green eyes seemed duller, and permanently red rimmed from crying. She looked at him dolefully, unable even to glare at him. Taking this as a positive sign, he slid through the open door, and let himself into the kitchen.

It was very clean and tidy, which made Severus narrow his eyes in confusion. Normally, Lily had it more cluttered and cheerful than this, but this…it was almost surgically clean.

"My parents always said that I should be more organised," Lily said, watching him scan the room in disbelief "Besides, it helps if I do stuff, it takes my mind off…things."

Severus looked at her sadly. She was so far from the vibrant girl he had known for all these years, sitting hunched and pale on a seat at the wooden table, clutching Harry, as always. He moved towards her, putting his hands on her shoulders, and looking into her eyes seriously.

"Lily, you can't go on like this. You need someone to keep you going."

Lily snorted, and it was almost reassuring to hear: she still had some of her old self left.

"Don't even think that _you_ are going to replace James."

"I'm not, Lily. I just want to help you."

There was a sincerity in his eyes, and in spite of herself, she managed a faint smile. It was much harder to be furious with him when he looked so concerned. Besides, she hadn't the energy to be angry. Severus had an odd expression on his face, as though he were steeling himself to say something. He took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and said what he had come to say.

"Look – I'm sorry I stopped you going to save him. It was selfish, and well…" he stopped, unsure of how to continue "I only did it because I wouldn't have been able to stand living without you when I could have saved you. But…I guess that's how you feel about James."

**Awww, I love our Sev. Despite the fact that in this case, I'm the one writing him. Is that vain? ;)**

**Reviews are lovely.**

**Hint**

**Hint**

**Hinnnnnnt…..**


	8. Chapter 8

**I'm pretty pleased with this chapter, and it is a bit longer than the last one, as someone requested in a review. Bit of a gap, as since the last chapter I have read the Hobbit, and started reading the Lord of the Rings. Anyway, enjoy this…**

It was the Christmas holidays, and the yells and shrieks from the snowy landscape above seemed to Severus to belong to another dimension. He was thankful, in some ways that it was the holidays, as he didn't have to face a class when he was so preoccupied. One the other hand, teaching took his mind off Lily, and his constant worrying that he had done the right thing in saving her. The fact that it had made her so miserable, made him wonder if it might have been kinder to let her sacrifice herself. Every time he imagined this, it made him shudder. Lily Evans dead was incomprehensible to him, the world would seem completely and totally empty without her. He sighed, leaning back into his chair. Once, the fact that Lily was married had sent a chill through his blood, jealousy pouring through him that she loved someone else more than him. Not that he'd ever really expected that she'd stay with him: he after all was skinny and sallow, and far too into the Dark Arts for someone like her. He'd matured over the last few months, and come to realise that her married to James was not the end of the world, and realised that what he really wanted her to be was happy; with or without him. Of course, he had, and always would, love her, but it wasn't his feelings that counted here.

It was for this reason, that, when he was able to get away from work, Severus was to be found at the Potter's, sometimes just sitting, sometimes talking animatedly, and sometimes, just letting Lily cry all over him. The first time he had turned up at her door with the intention to help, she had tried to jinx him, and it was for that reason there was now a small black scorch mark in the front door. Severus leaned back in his chair, so that it tilted onto the back two legs, swinging dangerously, and thought back to his last visit.

As she opened the door, he kept one hand, as he always did, on the handle, in case she was in one of her angry moods. Several a meeting had ended with her screaming at him. However, she didn't yell, or curse him, just gave a small smile, and he was encouraged to see that she wasn't clutching Harry, as she normally did. Was this a sign of her improving? She spotted him looking at her empty arms, and gave another weak smile.

"Figured I can't hold him forever," she whispered, her voice a little hoarse. "He'd get teased something dreadful by other boys his age."

Smiling a little too, Severus let her lead him into the kitchen. It had changed again. The curtains were open, letting the early sun pour into the room, giving it an almost cheerful look. The surfaces weren't gleaming quite as much, which was also encouraging, and a small pile of mail was strewn across the counter. Harry was sitting on the counter too, and Lily rushed back over to him. He had managed to open a draw in her absence, and was trying to tug the bread knife out, a little crease between his eyebrows, as he concentrated. Lily snatched him up, with a reproving "No!" then turned to Severus.

"Look, I'm sorry I said all those terrible things to you," she said, looking a little ashamed, and not meeting his eyes "I suppose, if it weren't for you, Harry wouldn't have anyone, and he'd probably end up with Petunia, or someone." Lily grimaced momentarily at the thought of her magic-hating sister having her son "I can't say I forgive you entirely for holding me back, but you _have_ been a good friend, so…"

Lily paused and looked at him. Severus was feeling rather stunned: she hadn't said that much since before James' death. Normally, it was a murmured thanks, or incoherent yelling and cursing. It was nice to see she was regaining a little of herself.

The lounge, too, was a little more cluttered and normal than his previous visits. Harry's toy broomstick was propped against the mantelpiece, and as Lily set her son down, he took a few wobbly steps, his podgy little hand eagerly stretched out towards it. Lily smiled at him, but her eyes were unfocused, and Severus had a horrible feeling that she was about to start crying again.

Tears did start dripping down her cheeks, and as always, he was there straight away, crossing into the room in two strides, and letting her wrap her arms round his neck. He held her, rocking her gently, feeling her hot tears soak through his robes, and wishing that he could somehow make it better.

"I'm sorry, Sev," she mumbled into his shoulder, him turning his head a little so he could see her face, "Just that James always said Harry would make a good Quidditch player, and he's always so eager to go on his broom…so sad that he'll never see him grow up."

Apart from that rather tearful part, that was the most cheerful he had seen Lily since James' death. After she had calmed down, they had had a good time reminiscing their times at Hogwarts, although Severus was careful to steer away from mentions of James, not wanting to upset her again. She had even giving him a swift parting hug, and despite the fact that he was here strictly to be her friend, and help her through the grief of losing her husband, his heart had leapt at a hug that was not necessary because she was crying.

………………………………………………………

Lily leaned back into the sofa, her bright green eyes flicking back and forth across the room as Harry zoomed around a few feet above the ground, his small face alight with joy, his little hands clutching the handle of his toy broom. A knock on the door broke Lily's concentration, and she grabbed Harry (who grumbled, and buried his head in her shoulder), making her way to the door. She wondered vaguely if it was Severus. It wasn't a weekend, but it was the holidays now, and it was nice to see him, and he was understanding and caring no matter what mood she was in. He was also the sole person who generally avoided talking about James, which was far less painful than topics which involved him.

It was indeed a black haired head that greeted her as she opened the door, but it was Sirius, not Severus. He was looking around anxiously, and remembering that he was a hunted man nowadays, Lily shut the door hastily behind him. His face was serious as he looked at her, and Lily's heart sank. She tucked her hair behind her ears, and led Sirius through to the lounge. He flung himself down into the armchair next to the fire, looking as casually handsome as he had done all the time she'd known him. She remembered a couple of her friends constantly eyeing him up, a little jealous that Lily was on speaking terms with him. His dark hair flopped into his eyes, one leg slung casually over the arm of the chair. Despite the fact that he was one of her dearest friends, she didn't like the look on his face, and suddenly wished that it was Severus, not him here. However, she sat on the sofa, and looked at him until he spoke.

"Lily, why's Snape round here all the time?" he said bluntly, looking at her with an almost accusing stare. She was somewhat taken aback, Lily had expected him to want to talk about James.

"Sev?" she paused, running a hand through her hair, and looking back at Sirius "He was my best friend. He's just trying to help."

"Maybe, maybe not," Sirius said grimly "But I've seen how he looks at you, and I reckon he's hoping he can have you now James is out of the way."

"Even if he does, he knows there's no chance." Lily retorted defensively, getting up to pull Harry away from the fire.

……………………………………………………..

Despite the fact that he was trying to only help, Sirius was not far off, when he said that Severus Snape really was hoping that he could, in time, be with Lily. Despite the fact that he tried to quash this hope, he tried to convince himself that he was only visiting Lily to help her, to be there for her, if he was truly honest with himself, he wanted to be more than friends. He would be happy if she was happy, but he would be a thousand times happier if they _both_ had what they wanted. Together.

The wind was harsh as he strode across the grounds, whipping his black hair out of his eyes. The bottom of his long billowing robes was already drenched from the freezing snow, and ice cold water trickled into his boots. The joyous screaming was tiring, and irritating, and he found himself snapping angrily as a young Ravenclaw girl nearly collided with him, such was her haste to dodge the snowball being thrown at her. Giggling, she ran away from him, barely hearing the about 20 points she had just lost for her house. Snape was not heading in any particular direction, and as he was on duty watching the students, sneaking into the forest for some solitude was out of the question. His mind wandered back ten years, to his and Lily's first Christmas here.

She had decided to stay at Hogwarts: she missed her parents, but the few times Petunia had written back, her letters were snide and unkind. She didn't want to face the name calling of going back home, and more than that, she was eager to experience a very different type of holiday at Hogwarts. He of course would have gladly stayed at Hogwarts all year round, and they spent hours at a time planning things to do over the festive period. Often, they would sit by the fire in an unused classroom, planning snowball fights, raids on their friends, and thinking of different ways to push each other down the snowy slopes of the grounds. Lily, having discovered the entrance to the kitchens from one of her friends, had "borrowed" several trays, which served excellently as sledges.

It seemed almost another lifetime that they had been those carefree children, they had both seen so much since them. Maybe one day they would return to that state: happy, without a care in the world.

**I'm thinking next chapter will probably be actually Christmas day, and Sev can go visit Lily…**

**Still, lets stick with this one at the moment, and as always, I love reviews, nice to know what everyone thinks.**


	9. Chapter 9

**Ugh, I am SO sorry this has taken so long to update. Had a very busy week, including needing to prepare a radio programme with Tom, which took up some time…and having to go out most days. Still, I HOPE this was worth the very long wait :] (Incidentally, the radio station is 'Wayland Community Radio' so feel free to listen…just Google it :D)**

Christmas day dawned bright and crisp in Godric's Hollow, and for almost the first time in months, Lily Potter felt actually quite cheerful. Harry was gurgling happily, there was the prospect of seeing friends, and talk, laughter and food. The world seemed to be once again in full colour, rather than tear streaked and pointless, the colour watered down and depressing. James was still very much there, but the memories today were happy, and somehow, they weren't making her sad, but cheerful at the good times they had had. Her head filled with James laughing, James hugging her, James insisting that he look after Harry single-handedly for a day because she was so exhausted, and refusing to take no for an answer.

She wasn't doing a proper Christmas lunch _"Some people are so lazy" _Sirius had said, but she would be at least sharing it with Sirius, Remus and of course Harry. It was odd not to have James larking about the house, sneaking not-so-inconspicuous swigs of the mead every time he walked past it, laughing and talking, and managing somehow to burn the gravy. The one person Lily regretted she couldn't invite was Severus, but she knew that Sirius would object strongly to this, and even Remus would probably be a little uncomfortable.

Nonetheless she found that the afternoon with her friends was very like any other Christmas, and that it was almost easy not to be sad about James, or regretful that Severus couldn't be there. The making of lunch was particularly fun, Sirius having had a little too much of the elf-made wine he had brought, and ending up transfiguring a potato so that it tap danced across the table, and swelled to a huge size. Lily found herself crying with laughter, clutching her sides along with Remus as it turned blue and Harry tried to grab it. Sirius kept jerking it out of his reach until he started grumbling in frustration and tried to grab his wand. It felt odd to laugh like this, but good nevertheless. The sun moved slowly across the sky, and the afternoon turned to evening, sending a darkness into the house that they chased by lighting the fire, and lounging in the deep red sofa and armchair. It seemed only minutes had passed since they had come, and all too soon, it was time for her two friends to leave. She hugged them goodbye, and they bade her goodnight, Apparating from her view as they stepped outside.

Normally, when people left, the house seemed huge, empty and cold, and she invariably felt severely deflated. Perhaps it was the effects of the wine, but Lily didn't feel so unhappy today. She strode back through the house, scooping Harry up as she went, feeling strangely hopeful. Before she could place her finger on where this hope was coming from, a knock on the door caused her to swing back down the stairs, and pull the door open. Probably Sirius or Remus, forgotten something as per usual.

……………………………………………………………………

A pair of jet eyes and hair peered round the doorframe, catching Lily by surprise. She had (and now felt a little guilty about it) completely forgotten about Severus, and any regret of not being able to see him at Christmas. It all came swirling back, and she felt a little awkward as she let him in. Harry, on the other hand, was feeling none of his mother's guilt, and stretched out to touch the man in front of him, a small hand reaching curiously for his hair. He managed to grab a lock of black as Severus bent to slip off his shoes. Grinning, the small boy looked at his mother.

"Sev," he managed, smiling proudly. Lily looked quite shocked, but Severus was smiling. He didn't really like toddlers usually, and he would have expected to hate Harry in particular, being a reminder of James. But the way he had suddenly said his name had caught him off guard, and he suddenly realised how lovely Harry was. Yes, he looked remarkably like James, but he had Lily's eyes, those precious bright green jewels shining as he reached towards him. It was bizarre to have this little person accept him, to seem to like him suddenly. No one but Lily had ever really done that, his looks hardly drew people to him. That, and his previous infatuation with the Dark Arts had repelled anyone who might have possibly liked him. Before he really registered what he was doing, he had held out his arms, and Lily had put Harry in them, and while it felt so strange, it also felt like the most natural thing in the world.

He looked down at Harry, with his tuft of wild black hair, and Lily's eyes. Harry looked straight back, snuggling happily into his chest, on hand still holding the lock of hair, the other curled into his robes.

"Someone likes you," said Lily, grinning, and leading Severus through the house. "Last time Mad-Eye tried to hold him, he screamed his head off."

Severus felt a tiny flicker of pride at her words, and smiled to himself. What he had always wanted was Lily, and he had never thought about children. But now…well it seemed kind of perfect that he was holding her son, even though he wasn't his. He grinned, feeling very glad that he was skilled at Occlumency. She'd probably hit him if she knew what he was thinking, though he no doubt deserved a slap right now.

They went through to the lounge as always, which by this time was dark, with only the dim red flickering of the fire for light, which sent dark shadows across their faces. Harry sat on Severus' lap for most of the time, happily bouncing up and down, and mumbling to him. Lily sat there with a big grin on her face, sometimes talking, sometimes just watching Harry. The fire burnt lower and lower, until there were just embers left, and Severus was a dark smudge beside her.

…………………………………………………………..

Harry did not appreciate being separated from Severus. He was very tired, and grumbled loudly, trying to cling to his robes.

"Severus will be back some other day," Lily told him, managing to prise his fingers away from her friend, and rolling her eyes at him "I think _you _are rather tired."

"Happy Christmas, Lily" Severus murmured, taking his cloak from the hook, and, on impulse, kissing her briefly on the cheek.

"Watch it," Lily said, remembering Sirius' words, and feeling slightly wary.

"It's Christmas, right?" he replied, grinning, feeling slightly reckless, an unfamiliar sensation: he was usually self conscious, wary and very cautious to let on how he was feeling. But Lily had always been different. "I'm allowed – just today."

Lily rolled her eyes again, and grinned in spite of herself.

"Just today," she repeated, and Severus wondered if he heard the slightest amount of disappointment in her voice. So tiny, he was pretty sure she wasn't aware of it. Then again, maybe he was just imagining things again.

**It's a bit short, I'm afraid, although hopefully satisfactory. If you don't hate me for taking so long, feel free to review x]**

**x**


	10. Chapter 10

**I like this chapter! It was so fun to write…and only a few chapters left now. Still, hope everyone likes. **

Five years had passed since the Christmas had passed when Severus had kissed Lily on the cheek, and thought he heard disappointment when he reminded her that he could only do that on Christmas Day. Now, he visited Godric's Hollow almost everyday, although mostly very early, to avoid missing his classes.

It was one of those times now, five in the morning, and the house was cool with the harsh December wind seeping in under the door. It wasn't strictly necessary for him to be here this early, being the holidays, but it had become something of a habit. They stood in the kitchen, side by side, not talking, just looking out at the lawn, encrusted with sparkling frost. They could hear Harry's heavy breathing upstairs, and the creak of the bed as he moved in his sleep. He would be awake soon: he always liked to see Severus in a morning. The pair got on like a house on fire.

Of course, one person who was distinctly unimpressed about Severus' constant visiting, was Sirius. He was extremely suspicious of his motives, refusing to believe that he really thought Lily needed constant comforting five years after James' death, and even less that it should be Snape who should give it to her. There had been several rather horrible shouting matches between the two men, which had only stopped when Harry got upset, as both loved him to bits.

Now, however, it was just Severus and Lily, exactly the way he always liked it to be. On impulse, he snaked an arm around her waist, and instead of pulling away, as he was afraid she would, she let him pull her closer to him, resting her head on his shoulder, and smiling. They stood like that for a while, Severus feeling a sense of elation at her willingly allowing him to be this close. After a time, she wrapped both her arms around his middle, and he wound his free around her so that his hand was in her hair, holding her. He could feel her shivering in the cool air, and hugged her closer. Neither were talking, though Lily did raise her head and look at him. He looked straight back, trying and failing to conceal the happiness and emotion in his eyes. It didn't really matter, looking into her eyes, he could see a similar expression to how he was feeling.

"Lily…" he began. "Does –"

The door banged open and Harry was standing in the doorway, looking slightly confused at the scene in front of him. He looked almost exactly like James, his nose just a tiny bit shorter, and his bright green eyes the only features significantly different to his father's apart from the thin lightning scar on his forehead. Right now, he was standing, looked bewildered, his glasses perched hastily on his nose, squinting sleepily at the two people in the kitchen. He was used to waking up to find his mother and Severus talking in the kitchen, as he would often join them, particularly interested in Severus' accounts of Hogwarts at the moment, of the teachers, and the students, and of course, his favourite story of the boy who blew up his cauldron in Snape's potions lesson, with disastrous consequences. He loved hearing about Hogwarts, and was already, at only six, impatiently waiting for his eleventh birthday, so that he could join the magical community.

Harry knew that the whole wizarding world knew who he was – when he and Lily went out, they were stopped by any wizards who happened to be around – but he was confused as to _why._ Mum had told him, of course, all about Lord Voldemort, and his reign of terror, and the relief of Harry having somehow stopped him. Harry was sure that if a tiny baby could have stopped him, then anyone could have. So why the big fuss? Why hadn't someone else done it? Even now, there was a day old _Prophet _lying on the table, the headline screaming: "The Boy Who Disappeared." He had read it last night, and as far as he could tell, the journalist thought that he had also died, and scoffed at any people who claimed to have met him. Harry blinked and shook his head, and turned his attention back to his mother and Severus.

Today, they weren't talking, just standing there hugging, looking at each other silently, and Harry was confused. _He _hugged Mum and Severus, but them hugging each other? That was odd. He was just trying to figure out why they might be doing this, when they spotted him, and sprung apart, both looking rather flushed. Harry shook his head, and put the matter from his mind.

"Hi Mum, hi Sev!" he said enthusiastically, hugging both of them (which was the way things should be) "Breakfast?" he added, hopefully.

…………………………………………………………………………

Severus stayed for the rest of the day, sometimes talking with Harry about Hogwarts; and although he was most interested in learning spells and getting a wand, he also seemed excited about starting Potions. Lily laughed at this, wondering aloud if this had something to do with who would be teaching him.

"You were good at potions," he reminded her, smiling "Maybe he inherited it."

During the afternoon, Lily had promised Augusta Longbottom that she would look after her grandson, Neville, and when he arrived, the pair rushed outside, laughing.

Once again, Severus and Lily were left alone in the kitchen, as the shouts and shrieks of the two small boys drifted in through the window. It was slightly awkward, but not uncomfortably so.

She looked up at Severus again, not entirely sure of what to do. It was funny, she thought, that while he might not be attractive to a lot of people, he was one of the most beautiful people she knew. His eyes, dark and intense, were possibly his most striking physical feature, but there was his awkward, self conscious demeanour that was oddly endearing. There was the way he had followed her all her life, not given up, always been there. Even when he had been in the employ of Lord Voldemort, the thing that had made him change was _her._ The fact that he cared that much about her made her blush, and she turned away, smiling to herself, wondering what she had ever done to merit that kind of love from somebody she had constantly pushed away.

"Thanks," she murmured, looking back at him. One of his hands moved slightly to touch her cheek. Things were definitely changing between them.

"What for?" he breathed, moving a bit closer, so that they were almost nose to nose, and their clothes brushed against each other.

"For always being there, even when I didn't want you to be. I don't really understand why you put up with me, all these years."

"Lily, I love you…you know that."

He dipped his head towards hers, and she stretched up to meet him. This moment was so perfect, was what he had waited so long for…

A shrill ringing rang through the house, causing the pair, for the second time that day, to spring apart, Lily gritting her teeth together, and muttering threats to whoever had chosen that precise moment to ring the doorbell. Severus grinned at her reaction, but added a couple of his own threats to whoever had inadvertently interrupted them.

Glancing briefly out the window to ensure that Harry and Neville were still fine (they were), Lily tossed her hair out of her face, and dragged herself down the hall, where the dark outline of whoever-it-was could be seen vaguely through the rippled glass.

Sirius' grinning face appeared in the doorway, and Lily's heart sank. She loved seeing Sirius in general, he was always so bright and cheerful, and made her laugh, but right now, he really was the last person she wanted to see. Sirius and Severus together would end in the usual argument, and she felt that she couldn't stand his constant suspicion and both men's dislike of each other.

Harry and Neville were inside too now, talking happily, thundering up the stairs to Harry's bedroom. The house, which only a moment ago had contained her and Severus, seemed uncomfortably full.

"Uh – Sirius is here," Lily called up the stairs, hoping Severus would hear her too, in the kitchen "Harry's got Neville over, by the way, so he probably won't come down," she added. "Oh, and Sev's here too."

"Full house," Sirius commented, though his eyes narrowed at the mention of Snape.

"Yeah, well Severus is here most days, and I owe Augusta Longbottom."

Sirius face changed from mild curiosity, to black suspicion in a moment.

"Why?" he asked sharply, looking at Lily accusingly.

"Why? We've been through this a million times, Padfoot, he's my _friend_." Lily said exasperatedly, rolling her eyes. Then she stopped, and looked down at her feet, turning red. "And he's in love with me, and I think I'm a bit in love with him, and I know James hated him, and yes, that makes me feel terrible, so just _leave _it."

**I was a bit evil to Sev and Lily in that one… but it **_**was**_** fun! Don't worry, Sirius **_**isn't **_**going to stay the guy that just hates Snape, cause I love Sirius too.**

**Reviews are very welcome! x **


End file.
